EMPTY

I did some soul searching on the drive into work this morning.  My analysis concludes that I am an empty water pitcher.  I've spent a lifetime quenching the thirst of others.  My pitcher is dry and I don't have the energy to refill.

When the water pitcher in my refrigerator runs dry I pick it up and refill it.  Is there someone who can do that for me? The answer comes in scripture - John 11: 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

I turn to my Savior and ask Him to fill my empty pitcher.  And I pray, "God give me the strength to accept the water thou gives me.  Help me to replenish so that I may continue to quench the thirst of others"

I think I need a Lani retreat.

UNINSPIRED

I would like to write some powerful piece of inspiration but presently, nothing comes to mind.  I'm sure it is because mind body and soul are out of balance and I'm feeling a little of this... 

Longing...for something better
Grateful...for warmth of the sun
Wandering...through my wilderness
Looking...for tangibility
Dreaming...of an island
Eager...for something different 

WHAT'S GOIN' ON

Since my blog is supposed to be a journal sort of thing I should probably do more than post the most entertaining pieces of my life. In between visiting mom for her birthday and attending docutah I work...professionally and domestically.  I am also a philanthropical freak, involved in way to many service projects and volunteer opportunities.

Work

Every day I spend as the Director of Public Relations for CMI is an adventure.  My three fold mission is to benefit the students in all that we do, to connect with the community and to generate partnerships that will in turn generate revenue for the CMI and the Communication Degree Program at DSC.  I enjoy this very much.  I grow with every challenge and I am continually enlightened by the energy of the students.  The down side is that I have to interact with people that must be tolerated instead of respected.  

In every working environment we must cross paths with people who lack self esteem and as a result behave in unethical ways.  The people I speak of are supposed to be experienced professionals who should have learned by now to act with respect.  Instead they see only their personal agendas and will do their best to undermine and bulldoze the goodness in others.  In these instances I must hold to my integrity and breath deep.  I must remind myself that God is watching and that karma will always prevail.  

Home

If I say that for the 6th time in the last 10 years I am immersed in a move will you understand?  Yes, once again we move our household from one location to another.  I am mentally, physically and emotionally spent.  I am now determined to stay in this new home or move abroad.  One more move to another St. George location will cause me to completely collapse.  I'm sure that daily meditation and prayer has pulled me through and kept me going.  My forward vision is for 2 weeks from now when I will detox for 2 days with Karamea in Salt Lake.   

Philanthropy - I'll just make a list

• Chair of the International Festival
• Chair of the Lions Roundup Rodeo Breakfast
• Event Coordinator for the Washington County School District Foundation
• VP of Club Services for Red Rock Rotary Club
• PR for Leadership Academy
• PR for DocUtah
• PR for Washington County Fair (thank God we are on hiatus)
• Member of the Dixie Sunshiners who are ambassadors for the St. George Chamber of Commerce

That is currently my life.  And I can still see that it is a beautiful Sunday morning and feel joy in my soul.   

ELEPHANT TREK

Last week I spent two days at the St. George Chamber of Commerce Business Expo.  As part of the entertainment I stepped under the Yellowpix canopy.  Considering the feng shui description of the elephant I decided I needed to go on an Elephant Trek.

The elephant is probably the most positive animal symbol.  Some of the lessons thought to be learned from the elephant include strength, wisdom, solitude, family loyalty and intelligence.  The elephant is also considered to be a symbol of good luck.

As the public relations manager for the Center for Media Innovation (CMI), I was required to spend two days manning my booth at the expo.  It takes strength to stand on the cement floor and brave the chilled air of the Dixie Center.  At times I felt the solitude of being alone in my booth but I am loyal to my work so I stayed there even under the most exhausting moments.  As for intelligence, I am by nature filled with internal wisdom.  This is a gift from God.

These are lessons learned from my elephant trek and lessons learned through life's experience.   

RANDOM

Thursday morning I dropped Asa off at school.  I pulled up to the curb and three boys walked in front of the car.  They didn't look very happy and I said to Asa, "those boys don't look very happy...especially the boy in white."  

Friday morning Ammon called from school to tell me about the assemblies and that Chase Drake committed suicide.  Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning) after we got home from Ironman, Ammon laid with Leo on the floor next to my bed and we talked for a while about Chase Drake and suicide.  I guess Chase played soccer a couple of years ago and he's been over to our house a few times.  I don't remember this boy.  

I got home from my massage tonight and Asa came upstairs and said, "mom, you know when you dropped me off on Thursday and those kids walked in front of the car and you said, 'that kid doesn't look very happy?' well that's the kid who committed suicide on Thursday night."

I have often said that I can feel the sorrow's of people.  That I am uncomfortable around crowds because I absorb the sadness like a sponge.  But to see the pain of a young man as he walks in front of my car and know that there is something sad about him and then to learn that he committed suicide...  

Forty thousand words in the English language and I cannot explain how I fell in this moment.  I only know that I am typing through tears.   

THE CLEAR CONNECTION

On Friday afternoon it was announced that KCSG news would dissolve the news portion of the operation.  From that moment on the live and local news of the Southern Utah community would cease to exist.  At first I thought it was an April Fool's joke but it's February.  The information was accurate.  About a dozen people lost their jobs and the news did not air on Friday night.  I was bewildered at this new information for a second but then considered the source and completely understood the action.

The reason for the breakdown is of course money.  But why not finish out the week?  Why not give the anchors one final newscast to say a professional farewell? 

Humans, we are a strange and predictable species.  We think we are so different and yet we mirror each other.  We know this because we all connect with the same literature in books, lyrics in music, food, nature.  Whatever life's experiences may be we all can empathize with the suffering and celebrate with the jubilant.  What is it that connects us?

It is the Light of Christ; the Love of God - the energy of our souls originates from our creator.  We all are alike because we all come from the same place.  It is how we use this Light and Love that will direct our choices and the rippling affect they have on others. 

As I consider the spontaneous actions of one man and how his negative decision affects the life's of many, it is clear to me that this is wrongful behavior.  At least find the humility to explain yourself to your employees and to loyal viewers of KCSG.

Only 6 weeks ago I faced the decision of choosing KCSG or CMI.  Today I am thankful that I followed the inner voice, the inspiration from above and that I chose to stay with CMI.       

YOU ARE HERE

Karamea posted this to Facebook.  I think it is excellent! 

DAY OF JUDGEMENT

Interaction with colleagues, posts on Facebook, random occurrences of this week have me pondering how we judge.  It is clear to me that in order to place judgment you need to understand the story from every angle.  If you must judge then start by reaching out to everyone involved, talk to people to understand their opinions; gather all the information and then make the judgment call.

One experience of the week that disturbs me is an incident that happened between two high school students.  One of them ended up in the hospital.  Ammon witnessed most of what happened and tells me the one who ended up in the hospital provoked the situation to the point of "no return".  The other boy was arrested.  He is very close to being 18 and they thought they might charge him as an adult.  But then all the charges were dropped because he was acting in self defense.  Senseless idiocy, that's what I say.  

Tonight I am thankful for children who, for the most part, are focused on making the best choice.

Judgment - Do we really have the right?  In all actuality we can't really know what's in a persons heart.  We judge based on our own values, perspectives, opinions, beliefs.  I believe the world is filled with good-hearted souls who are struggling to make sense of how we exist.  It is best to exercise mutual appreciation and practice kindness, charity and love in all things.   

SMELLS LIKE CHRISTMAS

Coconut bread at Christmas time.  It's tradition.  The first 10 loaves are in the oven.  The boys ask why I only make it to give away.  They just don't remember that they get more than their fair share.  Tomorrow I will make a few loaves of Pizza Bread.  Also a Christmas tradition.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I just don't remember to make it the rest of the year.

It's a busy time of year but I am taking time to realize the lights.  I am enjoying them more this year than in years past.  I think it is because Isaac said that in Germany they do not decorate with lights the way we do in the US.

I love the simplest of light displays.  In our front yard there are 2 palm trees glowing, pillars lined with lights of blue and a thin strand of white runs along the outline of the roof.  So simple and such a reminder of the colors of the beach.

The beach...now there's a place I would like to be. Any tropical island will do.  Just someplace where I can feel embraced by the warmth of the sun.

My week in review - Work, work, work.  Service project on Thursday.  I joined a few members of the rotary club as we assisted in wrapping thousands of presents for needy children in the community.  It's the first year I have experienced this well oiled machine that has been running for more than 20 years.  It's a giant Santa's workshop and there are hundreds of community volunteers.  I think this year more than 2,100 children will receive Christmas gifts where otherwise there would've been none.  This is something delightful.

Also on Thursday, Sunshiner Christmas party...funner than I thought it was going to be.

Then on Friday, Hamilton's birthday.  It is such a joy to fall back into the memories of the year of his birth.  Such a quiet and peaceful Christmas that year.  And a relief to feel that my family was complete.

Ra travels tomorrow for a 3 day business trip.  Back on Wednesday afternoon.  Just in time to clean the temple.  

We are joining members of our ward in cleaning the temple from 9:45 to midnight on Wednesday.  This day happens to be December 23, the day to celebrate the birth of Joseph Smith.  Kind of cool to be cleaning in the temple in the quiet of that evening.         

FREEDOM THROUGH DISCIPLINE

A quote from the book I am reading - Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

"As I sit here in the window of this cottage I can see a sailboat skimming silently along the horizon.  It is a beautiful image of freedom.  But the freedom of the sailboat to move so swiftly and beautifully is the result of obedience to laws.  The builder of the boat had to know the proper ratio of beam to keel and mast.  The one who sails the boat obeys the rules of sailing.  A ship tacking against the wind moves deviously, but when she runs with a strong tide or a following wind she takes to herself the power of tide and wind and they become her own.  She is doing the thing she was made for.  She is free not by disobeying the rules but by obeying them."

And scripture to agree with Elisabeth Elliot - Doctrine and Covenants 98:8

"I the Lord God, make you free, therefore ye are free indeed; and the law also maketh you free."

A MOMENT WITH ASA

There are few precious conversations that have existed with my young teen children.  Not because we do not talk but more because the topic of conversation is not always filled with insight to their souls.

Asa has short hair but has kept a section of his hair long just to see how long he can really get it.  This section sits just behind his left ear.  Every once and while I have to spend a few moments taking that long section and braiding three small braids.  Just this past week we took the time and as we did he opened his heart to me.

Asa - "I can't imagine being dead because right now my life is really good."

Me - "What's good about your life?"

Asa - "My family, the church, soccer, school, riding my bike, friends, being free to do what I want.  I don't really like school but I know it's important to learn.  Sometimes church is boring but I know it's good for me and the things I learn from it make me feel peaceful.  I'm just really happy and dieing right now would suck."

The next day I was on a bus with Leadership Dixie traveling to Colorado City.  Colorado City sits on the Utah/Arizona border.  It's a place where people practice polygamy.  There are two groups there; the extreme FLDS and the more calm FLDS known as the Centennial Park.  There are a group of boys called The Lost Boys who are known as outcasts from the extreme FLDS.  While traveling on the bus we listened to Caleb, a lost boy, describe his experience of living in Colorado City.

Caleb left when he was fourteen.  He made the decision to leave and told his father.  His father got angry, packed up his stuff, put it and Caleb outside the front door and told his son to find his own way out of town.  Caleb called his older brother, who had already made it out and came to pick him up.  One of Caleb's reasons for leaving was that he was pulled out of school at the end of 7th grade and made to work construction in Mesquite.  They woke up every morning at 4:30, made the 2 hour journey to Mesquite, worked until dark, then drove back.  Every day for 2 years and when he got a paycheck he only saw the pay stub.  His father took his money.  After leaving Colorado City or tried to go back to school but couldn't figure out how to function in the 'real world'.  After years of trying he received his GED and is now attending Dixie State College.  Caleb says there are more than 1,000 boys who have left and he know of at least 80 who are here in St. George.  Caleb's family consisted of 2 wives, 33 children - 11 brothers, 22 sisters.  Eight boys and 3 girls have escaped from the abuse that existed in his home.

As we were drove listening to Caleb point out the landmarks of Colorado City my soul was saddened.  It was clear to me that darkness exists in this place and that my Father in Heaven is sad at the state of these lost souls.  Then I remembered the words of Asa just the night before.

There is joy in knowing that my children find peace in the life that exists for them.   

HEATLESS

Seriously!  No heat in my house!  At 7:07pm it is 30 degrees outside and 60 degrees in my house.  What will it be at 2:00am?  No doubt my electric blanket will be dialed up to HIGH tonight and I will be dreaming of the tropics.  It better be fixed tomorrow or I'm going to the Marriot.

SIPPIN' TEA

A visit to Dixie Nutrition today.  It's St. George's version of Whole Foods...but we really need a Whole Foods.  Strolling the isle I found a new kind of tea.  Ginger-Peppermint.  MMMM sounded so yummy.  When I got home from work I kicked off my shoes, changed into my jammies and brewed a cup of tea.

Oh my.  Have you ever been to the Oasis Cafe in Salt Lake.  They have amazing tea.  This tea almost matches it.  I am so comforted.

Now I have to make dinner. 

REVIEWING

The past few days have been a whirlwind of thought and activity. Last night Isaac and I returned from a weekend in Salt Lake. While up north we drove up to Heber City. That drive and the drive home gave me time to reflect on the changing of seasons.

Feeling inspired I pulled out paper and pen and scribbled a few words while driving 70 mph on the highway...

"It's that time of year when God pulls out his paintbrush and splashes shades of red, gold and green on this canvas we call earth. The voice of FALL tells us that the cold is yet to come. It speaks in a magnificent sort of way."

Isaac and I spent a part of Saturday at the temple with dad. For me a session filled with insight and inspiration and for Isaac, a time to hang out with Grandpa in the Celestial Room.

I cherish moments with my children. They are growing into independent adults. Isaac leaves in 6 weeks for Berlin. Rakai to New Zealand and Karamea explores options of adventure. I believe this may be a Christmas of only 3 children at home. Such a strange concept...

My job...wow...crazy things are happening. I was feeling pretty comfortable with marketing and sales for the broadcast center. But a "shock and awe" announcement came last week. The CMI broadcast center has partnered with KCSG TV and will be producing the news from our location. I have been promoted to Director of Public Relations and Promotions for CMI - basically the job I was doing for KCSG only now for 2 radio stations, a TV station, a newspaper and soon to be online video. I am now in the process of negogiating a fulltime salary. My former job at KCSG is chasing me. I want to turn and run but my feet feel stuck in position.

Here's another crazy thought...We have a dog. I love dogs but they are like children. They need love and attention all the time. Rakai rescued an English Bull Dog from his wacked friend...I use the word "friend" very lightly. He named him Leopold. We call him Leo. He's cute...short and pudgy. Now we have to train him. I still love Sammie best of all.

My life at the moment feels frayed and random. There's so much happening. It's difficult to keep it all straight.

Where is my Island???

REFLECTIONS OF THIS MORNING

I sat down to clear the CLUTTER from my desk but Sammie jumped up and is now laying across the CLUTTER. He's too cute too move so the CLUTTER will have to wait.

Ammon is 17 today. Karamea's post is a perfect description of the elation he brings to me soul. Ammon was born in the evening of a very hot August day. It had been a long hot summer, no a/c. I was so ready to give birth. When the doctor saw his head appear he said, "I see hair on this baby." Same doctor and 3 previous bald babies. I don't know who was more excited to see hair...me or the doc. Happy birthday babe! I love you!

Yesterday I finished Three Cups of Tea. Right now I want to start back at page one and read it all over again. Greg Mortensen is my hero. I want to meet him! I want to mentor him! I want to provide schools for children of poverty. "More than 145 million of the world's children are deprived of education due to poverty, exploitation, slavery, gender discrimination, religious extremism, and corrupt governments." Reading Three Cups of Tea has been an unforgetable adventure. One day I will find a way to bring education to children who are without.

This week I started on a new escapade...Leadership Dixie. This begins the process of learning about the place where I live. Ten years in St. George and now I will gain new insight. The mission of Leadership Dixie is to "Engage, Inform and Empower" future leaders. Maybe I will learn the skills to build the schools I want to build.

I am one month into my "partime" job at CMI. I have learned that we are starting from no where. There is so much to do. Marketing, Public Relations, Promotions, Sales and only two of us in the department. Partime? Maybe they should rethink the scenario.

And so...it's Saturday. Soccer season starts in a couple of weeks. I am enjoying this quiet morning while I can.

FEEL THE HEAT

A broken AC and I am sweltering in the warmth. The high today...103 degrees in the shade. At 8:55pm it is 92 degrees. Inside my house it is a balmy 89. Ugggh. I need to be working but I can't focus on anything but the sweat trickling down my neck. I need a cold shower or a swimming pool. The HVAC dude will be here in the morning...this could be a long night.

Earlier this evening I was at the baseball park helping with an event promotion. It was Special Needs Awareness at the Roadrunner Baseball game. My job was to hand out T-Shirts to the special needs people. This was more than I imagined it to be. They are called special needs but they are special spirits. I was emotionally moved by the joy a simple t-shirt brought. A smile and clap of glee as I placed the shirt in a hand.

I was standing outside in that 103 degrees handing out shirts and completely enjoying the spirit that surrounded me. Life is full of joy!

PERFECTLY PLEASANT

This evening was spent with Rakai. Father's and sons camp out took the boys and their dad away for the evening. Rakai leaves in the morning for Vegas so he chose to stay home.

::Cupcakes from Twenty Five Main::
::Take out from Benja Thai::
::Movies on Hulu::
::A Full Moon::

It has been a perfectly pleasant evening.

Tomorrow will find me at the Cotton Days parade by 8:30am and the Red Rock Music Festival for most of the day. Good friends all through the day.

LET THERE BE LIGHT

Seven Fifty and I am watching my boys kick the soccer ball on the fairway. It's that day of the year when we spring ahead our clocks and enjoy an extra hour of daylight in the evening. I love the light!

As you will note from my "Currently Reading" gadget to the left, I am well into a book called "Jesus, The Enlightened One" by Depak Chopra. It's a fictional story, something imagined by Depak. A story that tells of Jesus in the years before His ministry. I am entertained by the story and intrigued by some of the phrases Depak pens among his words. For example - "We observe through God's eyes. Do you think that is possible?"

I read the words on that page a few days ago and they continue to surf the waves of my brain. I have examined my life and how I "see". I have discovered this about myself. That I observe with God's eyes, and I am filled with peace because of it.

It is the light of Heaven that leads me through each day. It is the light of Heaven that illuminates my soul. I am a Warrior of Light.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Ra is out of town and the boys are at the soccer arena. When I finish this blog I will snuggle with my cat my blanket and my book and enjoy an hour of peaceful bliss.

The pattern of my life - work and home - makes for chaos most of the time. I welcome moments like this...

Pictured above...the St. George skyline at dusk...today's gift from God. As the sun was setting in the west the moon was rising in the east. The sky looked as if it were on fire. It was completely breathtaking.

Do you question who you are? If a man owns a vineyard does he pick grapes from a neighboring vineyard? Maybe you were born with the answers...

REVERSED ROLES

Friday September 5 was mom's birthday. She is 82. I expect not to be around next year when she reaches 83 so I thought I would drive up and spend the weekend with her. Since this was opening weekend for soccer season I went on my own and enjoyed a quiet weekend with my parents. Friday afternoon I sat listening as dad spoke of his aging aches and pains. A flood of memories filled my mind.

I was home again, a child to my parents and I rememebered...

snowball fights

hide and go seek

late nights on the front porch

climbing the tree

picking raspberries

weeding the garden

Raymond

Cardston

Medicine Hat

reading scriptures

driving the car

grocery shopping

going to church

cowboys at the Calgary Stampede

As I sat there watching my parents in their old age a tear moistened my cheek and I realized how much they now rely on their children to care for them - reversed roles.

In celebration of mom's birthday we watched a DVD then went to dinner. My brother Mark was by earlier in the day. We sat and watched video of his most recent trip to the Canadian Rockies.

I miss my home...and my childhood.